The Relationship Observation
by AcuteSensibility
Summary: Sheldon uses The Sims 3 to gain a greater grasp of basic human behavior. Mild spoilers up to 2.19, The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition. Sheldon/Penny. This isn't an ad for TS3, though I am currently obsessive over it.
1. Chapter 1

The Relationship Observation

_June 6, 2009, 05:47 pm_

After careful perusal and appraisal, Sheldon finally decides to purchase _The Sims 3_.

Those half-trained goblins on GameSpot had given the game a nine-point-seven rating, and though he doesn't often deign to consult plebian opinions, he has to admit that the graphics have significantly improved over the previous installment. Apparently even monkeys masquerading as programmers have a smidgen of talent.

After noting the addition of a "genius" trait (and snorting at the soon-to-be too-oft application of the term), Sheldon frees the requisite $49.99 plus tax from his cleverly labeled Can of Worms, and triple-knocks Penny's door for a ride to the nearest available vendor en route to pick up her Little Thai take-out.

_Still June 6, 07:59 pm_

The food still pleasantly tingly on the tip of his tongue, Sheldon methodically slits open the box, takes out the instruction manual for the game, and begins to read. Penny's already relieved him of the actual CD and case, and is babbling on about how excited she is to see new crazy Sim antics (she had the original and OMG LOVED IT), and whether he'll keep to the canon 'ships of _Battlestar_, or whether he'd like to expand his horizons with _her_ preferred pairings Of Awesome. He looks up from calculating the amount of space left on his laptop and deciding which RPGs to uninstall; she's smiling at his incredulity of her spirit-of-the-canon approach to fandom. Amateur.

And as if "pairings" and "'ships" weren't just distractions.

He tells her no, that the subject of his experimentations would be real human relationships, though admittedly they would be simplistic versions limited by the parameters of the game—

"Real human relationships? As in, us?" She gestures at the slouching Leonard, the leering Wolowitz, the mute Koothrappali.

"Yes."

"Including me."

"Of course. We have a relationship, do we not?"

"Uh…yes. _Of course_."

He resumes reading this inane booklet. He already knows most of the information it contains, but it's the consumer's responsibility to read all enclosed information, just in case. And it's a habit.

She's quiet as he finishes the warranty information and the three others start a two-sided conversation.

"Sheldon," she whispers.

"Yes?"

"Can I make my own Sim?"

"I believe you are fully capable of performing such a task, Penny, however, if you feel underqualified I have the booklet here."

She huffs.

"_May_ I make my own Sim?"

"Oh."

He looks at the others.

"Yes, but do not let the others see. They may become envious of my preferential treatment. Of course, they did not present me with a napkin signed by Leonard Nemoy for Saturnalia, but—"

She rolls her eyes but smiles brilliantly and gives him an awkward pat on the arm as a thank you.

He smiles back unconsciously, then returns to his invisible calculations.

He sighs.

Adieu for now, _KotOR II_.

_June 7, 10:02 am_

Penny's so excited that she breaks her own eleven o'clock rule, then apologizes for barging in so early. (He's been up since 6:30.)

Leonard's out of the apartment for some inconsequential reason, so the timing is ideal. She crafts herself expertly, and has a surprisingly balanced self-perception; she chooses "ambitious", "good", "slob", "great sense of humor", and "friendly" for her personality. He snorts at the latter, remembering shrieks and split lips and dead hookers, and changes it to "flirty." She acquiesces, remembering her black eye, and then thinks better of "great sense of humor." She's now a "hopeless romantic."

She sits back, proud of her blonde, green-eyed virtual self (product of a good ten minutes of effort—if only creating actual people was this easy).

"Congratulations, Penny", he says. "Your Sim appears humanoid."

She shoots a look at him from her perch next to his Spot, but he seems sincere.

He then meticulously creates himself, Leonard, Raj, and Howard, and places all five Sims in the same large building. (For ease of interaction, he says.)

She's surprised to see that he listed each of the four as "genius."

He's about to move on with setting up their Simulated lives, when she laughs, grabs the laptop over his protests, and adds a fifth trait to his Sim: "good kisser." She saves, is given a strike. She doesn't care—it's partially a joke, because, um, it's _Sheldon_, but for some reason she has this strange inkling that, given his intensity in everything else in his life, he's an amazing kisser. Okay, it's still mostly a joke, but whatever.

_Still June 7, 12 noon_

She's allowed to stay and watch as he creates a near-exact replica of each real-life person's apartment/room so each has his or her own suite in their pseudo-apartment building. Okay, so intense is a bit of an understatement. Penny thinks these Sims people went a bit overboard with the ability to customize nearly everything. Still, it makes Sheldon happy (is that the right word?) and she must admit, she hasn't seen her room that clean in a while. Or ever.

Anyway, what diverts her next is that Sheldon turns on the Free Will after completing everything to his OCD's content, and then just _watches_. He pauses the game for a minute, but that's just to get a spiral and a pen. Then he takes _notes_.

"What are you doing? The whole point is to play and make them do crazy stuff! I mean, they'll do crazy stuff on their own, but—"

"Penny, Penny, Penny."

"What, what, _what_."

"How can I observe (admittedly simplistic) human behavior properly if I'm controlling it? The mere thought breaks the most basic principle of the scientific method!"

"'Observe'?"

"Yes, _Stu_ _the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo_ was woefully inadequate. I'm attempting to discover human patterns…"

He blathers on.

Learning from _The Sims_? She just liked Sim intrigue and funny, random pictures in speech bubbles and making them go swimming, then removing the ladders!

_June 10, 6:24 pm_

Of course Sim!Penny and Sim!Leonard get along famously. He's already in love with her, though she just as this slight inclination. Sim!Penny is surprising RealLife!Sheldon. She's obtained the most intermediate goals (second only to himself), but that's because he actually plays the game sometimes, though Penny doesn't know this. He weighs Sim!Penny's decisions carefully, and he's on the verge of amazement at what she's accomplished on her way to becoming a Renaissance Sim. It almost makes him want to show her this virtual life, say, here, look at what you can do.

_June 21, 5:59 pm_

He's neglected the Cooper Household Sims for a while now, instead focusing on crossovers.

He checks back on wunderkind Sim!Penny, and sees her very, very pregnant.

It's Sim!Sheldon's.

They're in love.

He looks above his screen, scanning the empty apartment as if looking for answers that, suddenly, his own wunderkind brain cannot procure.

Outside, Penny knocks triple-Sheldons on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Penny barges right on in, per usual, without any answer. (Her knock's more of a warning, anyway.) Sheldon's staring at his laptop, perched on his Spot, per usual. What sends the klaxons blaring in her mind is his non-response to her 'rudeness'.

She plops down next to him, determined to get his attention (holy crap-on-a-cracker.)

"Hey, Moon Pie," she drawls, poking her face into his personal bubble, glancing at his laptop's screen. _The Sims 3_, Cooper Household. He hasn't played them in a while. He's not even taking notes now, just staring at the game, which, Penny finally realizes, is _paused_.

"Moon Pie! Has Physiology finally knocked you off your rocker?" The intentional slur against his profession is what rouses him.

"Theoretical Physics, Penny! Not Physiology! I see no correlation between either profession or a rocking chair, in any case."

"Wow, for a Forensic Anthropologist you sure do like to play dumb, Moon Pie." She grins. "Besides, I know how many times Leonard has explained that phrase to you."

"Fine," he surrenders. "I still see no correlation between my mental state and a rocking chair."

"Correlate all you want, Moon Pie. You still get the point, and now you're just avoiding the question."

He huffs again and Penny mentally celebrates. _Just like junior rodeo back home._

"I am perfectly adequate, Penny." Twitch.

"No you're not," she says, pointing to the still screen. "You're usually taking notes."

"Perhaps I am merely resting my retinas. Prolonged exposure to computer screens can be very damaging to one's eyesight." Twitch-twitch.

"Oh, PUH-lease! You don't take breaks during _Age of Conan_! I smell bull, Sheldon." She glares. His whole face spasms. Then he leans forward and presses his lips to hers.

It takes a moment to process. Then Penny's enjoying the feel of his lips on hers and then she realizes it's _Sheldon_ and she's throwing herself back in a graceless way no Cheesecake Factory waitress would be proud of.

"What the _hell, Sheldon?!_" she shrieks, pressing back against the other side of the couch. He doesn't look rebuffed at all. He looks almost _normal_ (hah!) again, his calculating expression indicating he's somewhere around Venus, mentally.

"SHELDON!"

"I won't apologize, Penny, if that is the response you are expecting from raising your voice to such a decibal," he says coolly, appearing to be returing to Earth. "I was conducting an experiment."

She curses at him.

"My observation of _The Sims 3_ has led to a preliminary finding that we are emotionally, as well as sexually, compatible. More testing must continue to reach any solid conclusion, but indeed I found this session very enjoyable. Are you amenable?"

"_You're getting relationship advice from _The Sims 3_?!_"

"While admittedly simplistic, I believe the human interactions must be based on at least a modicum of truth."

With that, Penny gets up and walks out.

She wanders back across the hall (this wanderer really _is_ lost). She opens her door, enters, shuts it, resolves to shut this image out of her brain. She takes her mental pink eraser and imagines the past few minutes scrubbed away; white. Pure, innocent, lovely, calming, normal, _white_. She mentally wipes away the eraser dust.

Apparently, her mind draws with Sharpies.


End file.
